


Is it Still Me?

by chthonicAtaraxy



Category: Cow Chop (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, James POV, M/M, One Shot, Unrequited Love, skinny love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 08:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8278631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chthonicAtaraxy/pseuds/chthonicAtaraxy
Summary: James reflects on years wasted being too afraid to afraid to ask.





	

I'm happy for you. 

I really am. You and your girl seem happy. And I'm glad you're happy but fuck, I wish it was with me. 

It's not like I'm bitter, because I'm not. You've got a girlfriend and you're adorable together. And it's not like I didn't have my chances. I saw them for what they were and let them pass. 

For example, the very first time we shared a bed. 

It was at some convention. PAX or E3 probably. Jordan mandated we all shared rooms and beds at the hotel. Easy way to save money, and nobody really minded. We paired up, naturally. We've only been best friends since day one right? So it made sense. And the first night at the hotel, after a long day of travel, it made sense that you slept like a fucking baby. You were out before I even got into bed. You hogged the blankets, and I let you because I was too tired to wake you up and argue. 

I was tired as fuck but I couldn't sleep. I don't recall why. Doesn't really matter. Either I just wasn't comfortable sleeping in a bed that wasn't mine, or I was too hyped up for the convention. Maybe a mix of the two. 

I laid awake while you dreamt beside me. I always thought sleep-talking was some kind of bullshit. But as your mind and body rested you said my name loud and clear. You probably don't even remember what you were dreaming about, but I hope it was good. I'd never heard my name like that. It wasn't the casual tone one would use with friends. It wasn't angry or erotic or anything that could give a clear hint at what you were dreaming either. You said it with some intense feeling that I couldn't quite pin down. Love seems a bit extreme. But there was definitely some affection. Maybe that's normal for close friends to feel. Fuck if I know. I wanted to ask you about it in the morning. I wanted to know what you'd dreamt of that involved me. But I pussied out. Forced myself to brush it off and play it cool. Dreams were supposed to be private. Besides, what's it say about me if I'm fixating on it so hard? 

A few months passed before the next instance. By then, I'd grown curious enough to stay up and listen for it. It took a few hours but sure enough, you called for me a few times during the night. And then the next. You looked somewhat happy. At least, peaceful with your stupid face smushed against the pillow. Sure, I was sleep deprived the whole convention, but it confirmed what I'd thought I'd heard when it first happened. Worth it in my book. 

I was certain you were dreaming of me. So why didn't I ask about it? And why does it bother me so fucking much now? Why were you able to play it off so cool waking up next to me and just pretending you hadn't dreamt of me? Did you only get these dreams when you fell asleep next to me or was this an every night thing? 

Why the fuck didn't I ask about it? 

Years passed, and the same shit kept happening. Even when you got a girlfriend, it wasn't her name you'd utter when your subconscious took the reigns of your mind. It was always me. Was it a joke? Maybe I was so tired I was just hearing shit. 

More often than not, she's coming with you to cons now. And even when she doesn't, we have the money for our own rooms. There's no boss saying we've gotta share beds to save our cash. Suddenly, I'm always sleeping alone. 

You love her. Or at least you say you love her. I still don't sleep, even at home now. I'm kept up by the same train of thought every night. You used to think of me. You would fucking dream of me. It was always me! Do you even remember? Or have you moved on so easily now that you're in a happy relationship. 

I'm such an asshole for even thinking this shit. You're happy with her. I'm happy to see you happy. But I should have asked when I had the chance. I spent years afraid to ruin our friendship by prying into whatever the fuck that all meant. I had so many questions I couldn't fucking ask. And now it's just one I really care about. A fucking pathetic bit of hope I can't get out of my head. 

Is it still me?

**Author's Note:**

> Took a short break from my other fic. I'm working on the next chapter for that. I swear I didn't forget.
> 
> This is basically just James having a mental breakdown. And a bit of insomnia I guess. Sorry James. 
> 
> And no, I'm not venting. 
> 
> Also I've got no beef with Aleks' irl gf. She's adorable and they're great together. Just had an idea and decided to throw down the angst.


End file.
